


Twitter Au. Because why not

by smallgaything



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cussing, Funny, Lawyers, Mild Stabbing, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Other, Secret Identity, Superheroes, Twitter, Vigilantism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23544526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallgaything/pseuds/smallgaything
Summary: Spiderman is an enigma. No one knows who he is, but a lot of people are curious. And now he is taking over twitter. With the help of his guy in the chair and his unofficial PA woman of course.AU where civil war never happened and Tony Stark doesn’t know who spider-man is
Relationships: Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Avengers Team
Comments: 19
Kudos: 372





	1. Spider-hoe got twitter.

**Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

Hey wassup internet you're favorite spider-hoe finally got a twitter.

> **Le** **ddyboi** _@Gitc_

Oh god it's actually happening

> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

This is how you introduce yourself to the internet?

>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

yes

> **chiCKENNUGGETS** _@munchitycrunchity_

wonder when the real spiderman will get a twitter

>> **Yummylegs** _@tastykneecaps_

imagine if this was the real spiderman

>>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

yeah... imagine

**> FLashyFlashy** _@spiderfan1_

All these fake spidey accounts smh

>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

who says I'm fake bitch

>>> **FLashyFlashy** _@spiderfan1_

there is no way you are the real spidey

>>>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

[bitch.it.me.jpeg](https://www.google.com/search?q=spider+man+selfie+top+of+tower&safe=strict&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=x&ved=2ahukewi51f_b3-voahuela0khd54bvmq_auoaxoecasqaw&biw=1366&bih=566&surl=1#imgrc=TJlqtICWjXkqwM)

bitch

>>>>> **FLashyFlashy** _@spiderfan1_

Fuck i'm sorry mr.spiderman sir

>>>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

you better be

>>>>> **Yummylegs** _@tastykneecaps_

guys this is legit

>>>>>> **HotHoodie** _@yuuuuuumm_

holy shIT

-

**Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

when did I get so many followers

> **Le** **ddyboi** _@Gitc_

you are spiderman

>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

so

>>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

people like spiderman

>>>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

they do?

>>>>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

he is crying on the couch hugging his phone

>>>>>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

hush stop exposing me.

-

**Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

Oof I done been stabed

**> PAwoman ** _@mmmmmmmj_

1) *stabbed 2) where are you

>> **Arachnid bitch** _@actuallyspider-man_

i'll text you

>>> **Canadan** _@fromcanadia_

is spidey going to be ok?

>>>> **Le** **ddyboi** _@Gitc_

we took away his phone so he can't post while he rests. he'll be fine.

\- 

**Tony stark** _@ironman_

wait is _@actuallyspider-man_ for real


	2. enter iron can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yehaw

**Tony stark** _@ironman_

wait is _@actuallyspider-man_ for real

> **Yummylegs** _@tastykneecaps_

i mean we are like 97% sure he is spidey

_**-** _

_**dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

hey guys i'm ok. _@gitc_ hacked my twitter account so i cant change my name

> **chiCKENNUGGETS** _@munchitycrunchity_

what happened 

>> _ **dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

A mugger stabbed me. he was a dick.

>>> **Canadan** _@fromcanadia_

>:O rood.

>>>> _ **dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

ye

>>> **Tony stark** _@ironman_

hey spidey we need to talk

>>>> _ **dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

k

-

_@ironman_

are you really spiderman?

_@actuallyspider-man_

1)there is a hyphen. Its spider-man. 2) yes i am

_@ironman_

Do you need medical attention

_@actuallyspider-man_

No my friends stitched me up and i feel fine. plus i have super fast healing.

_@ironman_

be safe kid

_@actuallyspider-man_

yes sir

-

_**dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

if i rip my arm off will it grow back?

**> Le** **ddyboi** _@Gitc_

Lets try it

>> **Tony stark** _@ironman_

lets not

>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

lets not

-

**DailyBugleOfficial** _@DailyBugleOfficial_

Masked menace Spiderman is secretly an alien sent to lower our guard? [Daily Bugle Official](https://www.google.com/search?q=j+jonah+jameson&safe=strict&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=x&ved=2ahukewiyhpgb7evoahuhtawkhszgbe8q_auoaxoecbwqaw&biw=1366&bih=566&surl=1#imgrc=USeugQCFyks0aM)

> **Tony stark** _@ironman_

what the actual fuck

> _ **dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

yes that is precisely what i am i am an alein i now go have to eat some brains through a straw don't mind me. also there is a hyphen

>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

you are a PA nightmare

>>> **Pepperpotts** _@SICEO_

 _@ironman_ ^^

>>>> _ **dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

She is panicking because you responded to her post.

>>>>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

Stop exposing me

>>>>>>> _ **dumbasswhogotstabbed** @actuallyspider-man_

Revenge.


	3. Spidey exposes himself

**Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

Stop trying to arrest me mr.policepeople i'm trying to help

> **NYPD** _@official_

*cough* mrs.policepeople too *cough*

>> **Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

oh i'm so sorry you are right

\------

**CaptianAmerica** _@stoveroger_

I have a Twitter now! - Steve

> **Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

you don't need to sign your name

>> **metalarm** _@fridgebarn_

that's what i've been telling him.

>>> **CaptianAmerica** _@stoveroger_

It's more professional this way. - Steve

>>>> **metalarm** _@fridgebarn_

its stupid

>>>>> **bestbirb** _@wingman_

your stupid

>>>>>> **Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

i know

\------

**Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

why is homewowwork so time consuming. its easy but it takes so much time

> **Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

ghjbdxifvnos fuck wrong account

>> **FLashyFlashy** _@spiderfan1_

wait is spiderman in school

>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

dumbass

>>> **Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

I'm sorry

>> **Le** **ddyboi** _@Gitc_

wow just expose yourself why don't you

>> **DailyBugleOfficial** _@DailyBugleOfficial_

Spiderman, vigilante menace, is still in school? [Daily-Bugle-Official](https://www.google.com/search?q=guess+ill+die+meme&safe=strict&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=x&ved=2ahukewibi9gpg__oahvigk0khafndauq_auoaxoecawqaw&biw=1366&bih=566&surl=1#imgrc=YcDs2SSQvBcUnM)

>>> **PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

Bitch we can literally sue you.

\------

**PAwoman** _@mmmmmmmj_

Does anyone know where I can find a lawyer

**Murdock** _@Nelson &MurdockBuisness_

call me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i going to bring daredevil into this hellhole? Maybe. (yes)  
> I am also going to try to write some not twitter POV soon. so look out for that.  
> sorry its short


	4. Law and Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> now we are dragging matt into this  
> poor matt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally gave this a plot. oops

Group chat: spiderfam

**Le spidre:** MJ why do we need a lawyer

**Scary spidre:** So you know how a bunch of people make spidey merch.

**Gitc:** ye.

**Scary spidre:** and you know that old abandoned warehouse by the docks that has dead bodies and junk.

**Le spidre:** I feel concerned

**Scary spidre:** and you know how we never have enough money to get proper spidey gear?

**Gitc:** ye

**Scary spidre:** so...

\------

**Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

My PA woman says i'm not allowed to say much, but big things are coming.

> **wakanada** _@actuallyroyalty_

wow ominous much

> **Cindie** _@noom_

i fear for my life

>> **yeeter** _@pbp_

you should

>> **Smartlady** _@jm_

I would to

>> **led** _@needs_

Be very afraid

\------

Messages

**PAlady:** Do you know how, hypothetically, a minor would purchase a building? And start a business inside said building? 

**Murdock:** I feel like i'm going to regret this but yes. I do.

**PAlady:** you will definitely regret this. 

**PAlady:** please explain how. Hypothetically. 

\------

**Spidey** created **Unnamed chat**

**Spidey** added **Cindie, led, Smartlady, ababababe,** and **FLashyFlashy** to **Unnamed chat**

**Spidey** named chat **Spider-workers**

**Spidey:** yall want a job?

**led:** 1) why is everyone here on the acadec team 2) sure

**Spidey:** I don't know all of you very well but you seem pretty trustworthy. just don"t tell anyone.

**ababababe:** Do we get paid

**Spidey:** yes

**FLashyFlashy:** of course spiderman

**Smartlady:** Why not

**Cindie:** sure I'm in. but if most of the acadec team is here where is peter?

**Spidey:** Peter knows what he did

\------

Messages 

**MJ:** peter what are you doing

**Peter-man:** getting us workers. duh.

**MJ:** But flash?

**Peter-man:** he may be a jerk but everyone desrves a second chance

**MJ** **:** you are way to nice peter

**Peter-man:** Aww thanks

\------

**NewYorkTimes** _@NewYorkTimes_

New store is opening in the abandoned warehouse by the docks, supposedly sponsored by spiderman? See more at [New York Times-Spiderstore](https://www.google.com/search?q=spiderman+toaster&tbm=isch&ved=2ahukewj7zm6cqyhpahvqdq0khzwrb8aq2-ccegqiabaa&oq=spiderman+toas&gs_lcp=cgnpbwcqargamgiiadiccaaybggaeagqhjigcaaqcbaeogqiabbdujm7wjpsym5gaabwahgagah1digb4sosaq0zlteumc4xljeums4xmaeaoaebqgelz3dzlxdpei1pbwc&sclient=img&ei=op6ixvvqbtcctawc15yada&safe=strict&surl=1#imgrc=AHyljF6kZ7yd6M)

> **Spidey** _@actuallyspider-man_

I better see you all there once we open. Also, If you live in the general New york area, Apply for a job at this number- 866-740-4531.

>> **Le** **ddyboi** _@Gitc_

we need workers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is spider-man opening a spider-man merch shop? maybe (yes)


	5. Twitter finds out Spider-Man is broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT'S BEEN A HOT MINUTE

**ResponsibleBuisnessman** _@actuallyspider-man_

I'm still trying to get over the fact that I run a business.

> **PAwoman** _@plsgivemesleep_

Technically it's my business but go off I guess

>> **NerdDude** _@Gitc_

shhh let him have this

> **chiCKENNUGGETS** _@munchitycrunchity_

Still trying to get over the fact that The SpidermanTM has his own business

>> **ResponsibleBuisnessman** _@actuallyspider-man_

I can pay bills and stuff now!!

>>> **HotHoodie** _@yuuuuuumm_

Could you not before???

>>>> **ResponsibleBuisnessman** _@actuallyspider-man_

Pay bills??? In this economy??? ha

>>>>> **NerdDude** _@Gitc_

We are all basically broke.

>>>>>> **PAwoman** _@plsgivemesleep_

Let's just expose ourselves to the internet then.

>>>>>>> **ResponsibleBuisnessman** _@actuallyspider-man_

sorry

>>>>>>> **NerdDude** _@Gitc_

Sorry

-

**PAwoman** _@plsgivemesleep_

Merry Christmas from the Spidersquad!

> **NerdDude** _@Gitc_

Merry Chrysler

>> **Spyder-Dude** _@actuallyspider-man_

Merry Crisis

>>> **Not-Deadpool** _@murder_

Mappy Hananananaku

>>>> **Spyder-Dude** _@actuallyspider-man_

who r u

>>>>> **Not-Deadpool** _@murder_

Santa but without the elf enslavement.

>>>>>> **Tony stark** _@ironman_

Do I even want to know

>>>>>>> **Spyder-Dude** _@actuallyspider-man_

no

>>>>>>> **Not-Deadpool** _@murder_

no

>>>>>>> **PAwoman** _@plsgivemesleep_

No.

>>>>>>>> **Tony stark** _@ironman_

Ok then.


End file.
